Biting the Bullet

So I did it. And I behaved myself. Resignation letter was simple and to the point. Not biting, accusatory, or a good ass kicking. Felt free for maybe an hour. Now faced with unemployment which is not fun. Finding a new job is a full-time job.

I don't know whether I feel disappointed because I put up with sub-par pay for so long when I knew better. Or disappointed that I really poured my heart into the job and got nothing back in return, other than a pat on the back at the company Christmas party.

I'm just disgusted with the greed in this country. The lack of caring we have for other people. We feel no responsibility for our fellow man or our community in general. The shit keeps hitting the fan and we put up with it or ignore it. The Middle Class is disappearing. A family cannot get by on one paycheck like they could in the 1950's. Credit Cards all have us by the balls. Yet we keep getting more of them for some reason.

I'm scared, yet I do not feel regret. I've been up a creek without a paddle before. Too many times in fact, but I'm still here. Still chipping away. Hoping for a break. I weather change a lot better than I have in the past. But I think what's really getting me is the non-appreciation. The hours I spent on my day off making things perfect. The amount of effort I put into that job to get back nothing astounds me.

I wonder if the American Dream exists. Did it ever exist or was it a marketing ploy devised by some Mad Men? As I watch people walking out of the Greyhound bus terminal across from my building and the homeless people that sleep on the street below - I wonder what opportunities they had. What dreams that never took off.

In college I read Alexis de Tocqueville's "Democracy in America". He often described our gregarious sense of individualism. And also being a Texan, I see that here in my home state 200 years later. Our robust individualism has left us without a sense of community. We are a cold, collection of strangers who rarely go out of our way for someone else. We look to the government of congress to fix the mess, but fail to realize we ARE the mess.

So I have sent out 2 dozens resumes over the past 24 hours. We'll see what happens. I have two interviews tomorrow. I am just looking for money in my bank account at the moment. I'm tired - of so many things. Mainly of feeling that the things that matter to me, matter to no one else.