The Losing Streak Is Over

Yes, I have not only found a job but I have also gotten back on my chosen career path. Looking back on my stints in the "for profit" field - what a waste of time. I HATED those jobs. I put in 100% effort, but they weren't rewarding. It was just work for works sake.

Last Sunday I interviewed for a child care specialist position at a San Antonio non-profit and was offered the job on the spot. I will be part of the after-school staff at a local elementary school. I am so excited. I've done administrative management in the non-profit sector & have worked as a union organizer, but I've never worked with kids.

Oh, and it pays minimum wage. Which is totally fine. I'd rather be paid peanuts and doing something meaningful than making a pile of money and coming home drained and wondering what I was really adding to the world.

I know some days are going to be tough. I have already heard horror stories about severed fingers & broken arms, but more importantly physical and sexual abuse victims. Some kids will have normal childhoods, some will not. The Bob Dylan song "Shelter From the Storm" comes to mind.

As I start this job & finish my BA, I am going to remind myself the bottom line is PEOPLE. Money comes and goes. Building relationships, building strong families, communities & cities - this is what will save America. Not some over-educated prick on Wall Street or the privileged class in our Congress.

I know I will be poor college kid again for at least another 2 1/2 years. Fine. I get to keep my soul. My self worth does not come from Gucci or Cadillac. I will never be a hamster in a wheel & they will never make a zombie out of me. I am impervious to selling out.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Pretty Vacant

I hate to admit this, but in eight days I will be vacating downtown for Alamo Heights, or Alamo Whites, whatever you prefer. I know what you are thinking: isn't that a little too waspy for Grace Ingeborg? The answer is yes, but with good reason.

I am sick of smelling urine while walking down the sidewalk. I am sick of the city pressure washing the sidewalks at 2am outside my window. I am sick of the stupid tourists and their rugrats trying to pet my dog. He doesn't like it.

I am sick of the gorgeous old buildings that lay empty, rotting into crack dens. I am sick of seeing the same homeless people over & over. They opened Haven for Hope months ago, but I haven't seen much of a difference. 

I am sick of seeing the vacant expressions of young men & women high and completely numb to the world around them. Do they have a mother somewhere? Doesn't someone in the world love them? 

Last week I saw a guy maybe a few years older than I. He was decked out like he had just left Whole Earth Provision Co. Maybe he was on his way to Austin or Boulder or somewhere equally crunchy. Since then I have seen him laying on the sidewalk grate in front of the Travis Building high on god knows what. Hiking apparently was not on the itinerary.

When I moved downtown I started seeing a blonde guy, about my age as well. At first we just thought he was down on his luck. A year later I still see him occasionally. Sometimes coherent but sometimes completely vacant, still, like nothingness. Now he looks like he's fifty instead of thirty. 

I used to wonder how people get to that point, but after this summer of unemployment I feel lucky to not have fallen into that trap. There are a lot of horrible circumstances that can make a person feel worthless.

Truthfully there was at least a week or two this summer I didn't get out of bed or didn't leave the building. Getting fired, unfairly, really took a toll on my self-worth. It was just devastating. Especially since there are literally no jobs out there. Before this summer I had never been unemployed for over two weeks. Two months felt like purgatory.

We wrap so much of our identity into what we do for a living. And if we love our job, what's wrong with that? But getting the "its not personal, it's business" line is a slap in the face. Jobs are personal. It's how we feed our families, and pay our rent, & put clothes on our back. What could be more personal than that? 

So, when I see these people living on the streets of San Antonio I can't help but wonder if something similar happened to them. Pair job loss with feelings of worthlessness and you have a potentially dangerous situation. Can't go to the doctor if you lost your healthcare. But there's always a needle & a spoon somewhere. 

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Kids These Days

I am hanging out in San Diego this week while my boyfriend is attending a conference here. That's right: I'm unemployed AND on vacation. As if sitting at home for four weeks hasn't been vacation enough. Actually, it's been painfully boring. I'm a recovering workaholic.

San Diego is beautiful, although California is a strange place. It's sunny all the time but never hot. Being a Texan, I consider 68 degrees chilly. Today I went to the San Diego Museum of Art and saw their Toulouse-Lautrec exhibit, along with some Fragonard, Tintoretto, Modigliani, and El Greco. I'm sorry, but I still think that Georgia O'Keefe is boring. I know that must be anti-feminist or anti-American or something. Art is in the eye of the beholder anyhow.

We ended the day relaxing in the hotel hot tub. Almost everyone at the hotel is apart of this conference the boyfriend is at. So it wasn't surprising that the other hotel guest was in on it too. Actually, his Dad was. He was an 18 year old with some sort of tribal something or other that covered his shoulder down to his elbow. Not quite original. He told us he'd been coming to the conference with his father for the past ten years, loved San Diego, asked what my boyfriend did for a living, etc.

Somehow we got on the subject of Iraq. I honestly did not bring it up. In fact, I refrained from commenting. Not a new subject by any means, but the boy's perspective was a bit of a surprise to me. He said we wouldn't even have had to go to Iraq if they hadn't blown up our beloved buildings. Usually, I am very vocal about such a subject but this left me speechless. I had nothing to say. State of total shock. Sure, he's 18 and probably doesn't listen to NPR but seriously? I mean there's a lot of speculation (CIA planned it, neo-conservative agenda, etc.) but that is all conspiracy theory. Not one of the hijackers was from Iraq and Fox News can't even refute that.

As we got up to leave (because of the deafening silence that had blanketed the conversation) he asked me what I did for a living. I told him I was a student finishing my degree in Political Science with plans for a Masters in Social Work. He replied "How boring". Ignorance is bliss honey, ignorance is bliss.

Land of the Free?

Sunday night I watched the fireworks at Randolph AFB here in San Antonio. How American, sitting on a blanket in a baseball field while the wind carried well-known patriotic songs across the field. As the finale came down, I could hear the Star-Spangled Banner and one phrase sort of struck a chord: the land of the free. I don't really feel free, do you?

Perhaps that's a terrible thing to say - after all, my own father is a Vietnam veteran and he suffered a lot because of his time served for this country. However, I can't help but feel locked into some sort of system, a system that works against me. I've done what I was supposed to. I got good grades in high school, went to college...a lot. I can't find a job. I'm hoping that my unemployment goes through and I'll get a check tomorrow, but for now I'm just waiting for something to happen. I've been quite diligent in my job search; job hunting is a relentless task. So far, no dice.

I'm not free. I am held down by credit card debt, by ever increasing bills, and by a job market that has tanked. I'd be lucky to get a job that pays $12 an hour right now. I'm trapped. I couldn't even afford to move to a cheaper apartment! The only thing I have going for me is my decision to go back to school and get more education because trust me, I've looked and the only jobs out there are non-skilled (i.e. poverty level wages) and jobs that require graduate degrees. The middle ground has disappeared along with the middle class.

Who are these richest 1% of Americans that control the rest of us and just who the fuck do they think they are? Democracy my ass. This is slave labor. Minimum wage is still under what economists agree is a living wage. Minimum wage in Texas is $4250 above the federal poverty level for 2010.

When I was a union organizer here in San Antonio I was shocked how many people I came across that couldn't read or write. It was embarrassing for them, but I knew why they were illiterate. It might surprise most people, but our poverty problem still causes 15 and 16 year olds to drop out of school to help the family get make ends meet. Such was the case with these guys.

Although "union" is such a bad word in the South, I think it's the only thing that will save us. I don't mean union as a entity that you pay dues to, but union as a group of people working toward a common goal. Goals such as a strong middle class, closing the gap between the rich and the poor, elevating people from poverty through education.

In business school you learn that to improve production you fix your weakest link in the supply chain. America's weakest link is it's inability to diminish poverty and our selfish nature to just look the other way. We forget that on our Statue of Liberty it is written: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." We don't need to look across the ocean for these huddled masses. They are in our own backyard and they want a way out of their slavery.

Ode to Superwoman

Recently, I went to my first comic convention with my friend Jen and was dismayed, I warn you I know nothing about comics, that Superwoman (or maybe Super-girl) was blond. I actually found one action-figure that had black hair but it was pixie short. I was very disappointed. Every time something in my life goes wrong I ask "Why can't I be Superwoman?"

In my mind, Superwoman can do it all: have the career, the relationship, the family and somehow makes it all work. I guess she's my symbol of feminism, and a little sexier than Rosie the Riveter (admit it, Rosie's a little butch). She's fearless, she doesn't worry about how it's all going to work, she has a plan and a backup plan for everything and if it all falls to pieces she's creative enough to think of a new direction. This is the woman that I want to be.

There's a catch though. I have many women in my life that I look up to because they are brilliant and have had very successful careers. However, these women either lack a significant other or children or both. Therein lies my biggest fear: you can have one or the other but you cannot have both. The defiant bitch in me says "I can do anything I damn well want" and the skeptic agnostic in me says "give me proof". I have no proof, I only see one or the other.

On another note, I have decided to quit banging my head against a brick wall and go back to school, finish my undergrad and get a Masters in Social Work so I can actually land my dream job. This will take 2 1/2 years, which puts my Superwoman plans on hold yet again. And on the other front, let's just say it's been just me and the dog lately.

I should know better. Life never goes according to plan and I have had many examples of that in my life but I can't help but feel disappointed. I don't see any reason why I can't have it all - I just can't figure out how to get it. I know going back to school is a step in the right direction, but it also feels like three steps back. I was annoyed when I was 25 sitting in a class with eighteen and twenty year-olds, now I'm almost thirty.

So I guess I'm one of the faithless waiting for proof that it's is in fact possible to be Superwoman - with long black hair. I don't want to say that's it's easy for men, but it sure seems that the career thing is easier for them. Then again, they don't get maternity leave.

Someday I will have accomplished all of this, and when I do, I am going to go find a Superwoman action-figure with long black hair and put her in my big corner office.

Is This All There Is?

"That's Life, that's what the people say, you're riding high in April, shot down in May" One of my favorite Sinatra tunes - when it's April that is. Did you know I just turned 29 last month? And I am two classes away from having a degree in Political Science, which I have been putting off since 2007. I've had five jobs in the last 2 1/2 years.

When I was twenty I thought I would be Superwoman by now - career, married, kids. How naive. Is it just me or is this a completely impossible order? Yes, the mood at the moment is self-deprecating, bored, and despairing. Honestly, I feel pretty pissed off that I am starting over yet again. Have I angered the career gods? Is or are there a god(s)? Or is this just a constant flow of meaningless ups and downs?

I guess I've hit an existential crisis and I feel like kicking Sisyphus' ass. This is bullshit. This is not what I signed up for. I'm not asking to be Hilary Clinton or Emma Goldstein or Rosa Rosales. Just please, please throw me a damn bone. Or how about some stability? Long term, not short term. Dependable. Lasting. I don't know whether to cry or throw something.

Ugh, I should have listened to my parents.

Here I Go Again On My Own

Can you hear Whitesnake in your head now? Good. Yesterday I got fired or laid off, not really sure which. Needless to say I am again unemployed. I am pissed. However, I have learned some very valuable lessons:

1) If it's too good to be true, it probably is. (i.e. two raises in first four months)
2) CEO's that make hasty decisions are to be avoided, especially if they have a temper. They lack wisdom.
3) Co-workers that get demoted from CFO to your management level don't want you to succeed where they have failed - watch out.
4) Start-ups are iffy.
5) When you see a ton of money going out and nothing coming in, jump ship.
6) Constructive criticism is necessary for the growth of any office. The lack thereof is a huge problem and leads to inefficiency, arguments, and blame.
7) Upper management members being labeled "old school" in regards to email, being able to use their computers for business functions, and the need for a company website is bad news.

So, next time I interview for a position I am planning on grilling my interviewer on the company's training process, business concept, etc. In hindsight, I would never work for this company again and I feel much less upset about the whole situation than I was yesterday.

Luckily, I got a decent severance package so I am not in panic mode taking any job I can get no matter how little it pays. This is how you get trapped into a dead end - and broke to boot. Patience will be my motto as I try to get back into the non-profit sector. In the meantime, I have Netflix, a gym membership, and job alerts sent to my email address to avoid hours scouring the internet which can leave a job seeker feeling like they're getting no where.

I expected to be moping around my apartment in my bathrobe for at least three days in a very depressed state, but I feel pretty confident. I have it better than most and I'm not sleeping on the steps of the Bill Miller's BBQ across the street tonight. It's just frustrating to be in this position again, and so much sooner than I had anticipated. I'll keep you posted.